Ways To Keep Calm When Toddler's Misbehave
It can be super hard to keep calm when your toddler decides to start acting up, but I'm here to help with these 5 strategies.
Toddlers are at the age where they are testing out new emotions and actions and getting to know what they can and cannot do. This is around the age when children constantly push the envelope to see what they can get away with and how far they can push their parents to get what they want.
This stage tests parents, teachers, and caregivers, pushing them over the emotional and patient edge. Remember that your child is watching you, looking at your body language, listening to your reactions, and learning what you will and won’t accept. Your child learns about socially acceptable behaviours, boundaries, and coping skills through these daily interactions.
Toddlers learn about behaviours, what is appropriate, limits, and simple self-control by observing and listening to the people around them and their actions. They are building themselves, so they look for guidance from the most important people they interact with daily: their parents.
By mimicking the behaviours they have seen in different social settings and seeing how their parents react, toddlers discover what behaviours are acceptable and which are not. As their brains learn more about new things, facial reactions, emotions, and basic problem-solving, toddlers' brains filter out and reset, thus forming life habits, reactions, and concepts.
"Studies have shown that
1Infants and toddlers derive implicit theories to explain the actions of objects and the behavior of people; these theories form the foundation for causal learning and more sophisticated understanding of the physical and social worlds. Infants and young children also are keenly responsive to what they can learn from the actions and words directed to them by other people” (Par.3, National Academy of Sciences)
It is vital to ensure that individuals in your child’s life provide reliable information and positive corrections, model safe emotional expression, and talk appropriately around your children.
Please find a few positive strategies below that parents, caregivers, and grandparents can use when reacting to a misbehaving toddler.
1. Learn Your Emotional Trigger Points
Children quickly learn things and behaviours that get on their parents’ nerves; they learn this through testing out different behaviours and emotions, observing their parents’ reactions, and then registering them in their brains. Parents must learn to recognize, judge and acknowledge their children's misbehaviours that trigger their more severe emotions so that their reactions won’t get to a level 10 immediately. By reflecting on how and why this behaviour gets to you, you can help your child find better ways to express their needs or wants. Remember that your child is not a bad person; separate who your toddler is from their negative behaviours. In doing so, this can help parents keep their cool.
Techniques to try:
1. Take a few deep breaths.
Taking a few deep breaths before responding to your child's negative actions might help your voice and emotions emerge more calmly. Deep breaths can help your heartbeat stabilize by letting some oxygen flow to the brain. “Deep breathing stimulates the vagus nerve, which runs from the brain to the abdomen and is in charge of turning off the fight or flight reflex" ( Jay, 2021).
2. Try the 5-Step Talking Points.
Respond to the action your child is doing
“I see you are throwing the ball in the house.”.
Tell your child exactly how to fix this problem
“Balls are thrown outside.”
Explain Why they should stop (Don’t use phrases like “No, Stop that”)
“Balls can break things inside the house.”
End with a solution that will play to your child’s ego (let them think that they are getting what they want)
“After dinner, let’s go outside and play with the ball.”
Offer them small choices
“Outside, are you going to kick or throw the ball?”.
3. Close your eyes for a bit.
Closing your eyes for a few seconds might help you re-center your thoughts and give you a chance to think. Take a few deep, slow breaths by breathing in and out about three times.
4. Self-talking
Doing self-talking might sound weird, but it might help train the mind to expunge angry feelings before you start talking with your child. Remind yourself to “breathe and say a calming mantra a few times.
2. Try the Spouse Swapping Technique
This tip is only done when nothing else works; it should not be your first alternative because it might produce more negative outcomes in the long run; for example, your child learning that they only must listen to the parent who successfully can discipline them.
On the flip side, when used sometimes and appropriately asking a spouse to step in can have profound effect on your toddler because:
Toddlers sometimes listen to a person with a temperamental style similar to theirs, or sometimes, just a change is needed.
It creates a healthy amount of guilt for your child to feel.
However, both parents should strive for a balanced parenting style, providing guidance, love, and assistance while setting expectations for their child. The key to successful parenting is for both parents to work as a team when tackling strong and soft behaviour so their toddlers see that everyone is on the same page.
3. Learn About Toddler Development
Knowing a bit about the different toddler behaviours can help parents understand their children better. This can help them be more patient, know when to let things slide, and better understand their children as they go through typical developmental milestones. Understanding what behaviours are just part of a toddler’s development can help parents have more realistic perspectives for their child. Use toddler-appropriate strategies such as: offering a few choices, turn-taking, modeling and setting boundaries. Set appropriate limits and expectations by following through and consistently modelling.
4. Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff
The toddler stage is filled with ups and downs, so being able to laugh and let some things go is critical for survival for you, your spouse and your toddler. However, parents should never let unsafe and disrespectful behaviours slide; they should let their children know that these behaviours are not accepted before forming a habit.
How to promote better behaviours
Phasing things not in a yes or no way can help limit struggle battles.
Giving daily choices to your child can help them feel a sense of control.
Showing love, care, patience, and flexibility can help build a secure relationship.
Giving room for your child to play independently, do things alone, and voice their thoughts can help your toddler feel independent.
Talk about your child’s strengths and praise their efforts.
Give daily outdoor play time so your child can burn their energy.
Create age challenges for your child to try.
5. Build A Positive Relationship
Toddlers need a feeling of love, trust, and belonging to feel secure and learn to build any form of relationship with others or interact in close relationships. Children use and build upon the skills learned through close relationships with their parents to know how to interact with less familiar adults in their lives.
“Close relationships with adults who provide consistent nurturance strengthen children’s capacity to learn, develop, and form social-emotional development. Establishing close relationships with adults is related to children’s emotional security, sense of self, and evolving understanding of the world around them” (re-prased Raikes 1996).
Positive daily interactions provide the context for social learning, learning about self, problem solving, cooperation, turn-taking, and the demonstration of the beginning of empathy. A study states “that young children’s expression of positive and negative emotions may play a significant role in their development of social relationships.